Christmas Cheer is GRAND(parents)!

As I get older and older it takes a lot more for me to get into the Christmas spirit. I'm either too busy, too tired, not interested, or just down right forget what a special time of the year it is. Today however is the first time I've felt in the Christmas spirit! I got to finally see my Grandparents (my mom's parents) in which I haven't seen in a VERY long time! It was the funnest thing, I talked literature and great books with my Grandma and just sat and admired my Grandpa and his company all afternoon. Turns out that we have read a lot of the same books, my Grandma and I, (even the great book I just finished; The Glass Castle), we recommended books to each other, and discussed our favorites for the year. We went out to dinner and chatted about recipes and boys and just had a splendid time! I need to make more of an effort to call them because we have so much in common! I am so happy that they are here celebrating the holidays with us and they could bring me some Christmas cheer! Love you Grandma and Grandpa!

Undergrad soldier

Sitting huddled over my computer
I push up my spectacles and rub my eyes for about the 20Th time.
Stretching my arms up in the air over my head,
I sigh the biggest sigh of stress you've ever heard.
The campus is in a busy frenzy.
People just trying to get through the hardest week of the semester.
My yawn starts a copycat train down the row,
As my neighbor in the cubical next to me Yawns
then nods in agreement as if to say; "I feel ya!".
I haven't eaten a real meal in days.
Sleep is just out of the question
And my glasses have become my best friend,
because my eyes are just too tired.
Sticky note 'to do lists' liter my pockets, notebooks, and my computer.
as a constant reminder of all the things I have to accomplish to succeed.
"This is for my future", I say to myself!
As I continue to push through the tiredness,
discouragement and overall defeat of finals week.

Every goodbye makes the next hello closer

I've said a lot of Goodbyes this semester, hard goodbyes, necessary goodbyes, forced goodbyes, and finally just the normal goodbyes that everyone has to go through in life.

The first major goodbye, I was standing in the Seattle Airport with two suitcases not only full of clothes and shoes, but also full of memories of the best summer that I had ever had. I was heart broken and fought back tears saying goodbye to my parents, thinking the whole time how ridiculous I should feel, but not feeling any shame for my sadness. Three months after High school graduation I moved out and went to college, never spending more than 2 weeks at time back home with my family, either working through the summer or doing summer school. This summer was different, I spent 6 weeks with them, basking in the sun on the dock, swimming in the lake, eating the most delicious food, taking long walks around capital lake, and just spending every moment with them that I could. It mended my broken heart, cleared my head, solved all my problems, and saying goodbye to them and those precious moments pulled at my heart strings. Blinking back the tears, I handed the security officer my boarding pass and crossed the invisible line back to independence and adulthood knowing there was no turning back now.

The second major goodbye was necessary. Realizing that a substantial person in my life wasn't the person that I thought she was anymore and finally knowing that I couldn't surrounded myself with her almost destructive presence anymore, I separated myself. I felt like in order to progress in life we no longer could be friends. Doing so proved to be much more beneficial then costly. People change and in tough situations it either brings out the worst in them or the best. Unfortunately, I realized I couldn't give anymore to this person and that nothing would ever be good enough for her. There would always be a problem that was unfix-able, and no matter how much I tried or worked at the relationship, I'd always come out feeling like the one at fault. So I moved on and although it hurt, I said a necessary Goodbye.

Sitting on my bed last week, tears streaming down my face in true sadness, I said the final and last goodbye. Being so prolonged the tears where not only for sadness but for relief. A sense of freedom washed over me, everything was finally over, I let go of someone I'd known for so long and had trusted with my heart. So I said goodbye. I knew that I lost something that I could never replace again, but the goodbye was so essential for my life that it didn't matter. Asking myself how can it take just one minute to say hello to someone and a lifetime to say goodbye. They say a goodbye is never truly painful unless you're never going to say hello again, and I think that's why this goodbye was so real, because I will never say hello to him again, never talk to him the same way again, this goodbye was forever.

Luckily I've said many Hello's this semester as well, and with those came the reopening of my heart to friendships and different types of relationships. I said hello to the most unlikely friendships I've ever had but also the best I've ever had.

I said hello and opened the door to one of the most beautiful friendships I've ever had. To someone who I know I'm going to be friends with for a long long time, forever. The friendship is equal, well balanced and both of us carry an equal weight and strive to feed the fire of the friendship everyday. She's always there for me with my ridiculous insecurities, always laughs at my funny sayings, and lends an ear to hear the deep secrets of my life. She is my sanity, my strength, and my rock to lean on when the storm of life is too much. One night both of us vulnerable, we told the stories of our life, the pain, the joy, the things that define our souls, even the people we've loved and lost along the way, that night I said Hello to my best friend.

I never realized how saying hello can be so hard, how opening a window and putting yourself out there can be so difficult, but the Story of life is to count and hold on to all those hellos, like your soul depended on it.

When all is said and done.

I wish for a better day.

When you and I were hand in hand walking on our way to freedom.

Where I held your face in my hands and whispered things to you i've never spoken since.

Days that could last forever and were noted as perfect.

I wish for Halloween time.

The night I first met you across the way.

and gazed in your eyes for hours and felt your perfectness infold all around me.

Where the couriousity almost killed me.

I wish to go back to December 2009.

The exact night after your christmas party when I whispered those three little words back.

Where the heart flutter wouldn't stop for hours
and all I needed was you.

I wish it was summer again.

Sitting by you in the sunshine, smiling, drinking pink lemonade.

Driving in the car, singing at the top of our lungs eating icecream and dr. pepper slurpies.

Wanting those moments to last a lifetime and thinking they actually would.

I wish for convience.
When you lived only five minutes away.

and it only took a crying phone call at 3 am for you to come in your chariot to save the night.

For the day you jumped out of my two story window and bruised your tailbone.

I wish for one more night.

Planned perfectly, eating chinese and drinking oversized cokes.

Where I could pour out my soul to you and finally feel whole again.

Begging for forgiveness and praising you for everything you've given me.
I wish for happiness.

Forever, for always, for eternity.

As you take this journey, hand in hand, soul to soul,
with another.

If I die in the library, leave my corpse in the Periodicals!

OH MY GOODNESS! Its a beautiful Saturday afternoon and i've been in the library studying and doing homework all day! I swear I'm always here! There is a section in the periodicals way in the back that Kathryn and I love to come to (thank to my Lab partner Reece for showing me). Here amoungst the books and magazine, is my quiet sactuary, where I get some of my best work done, and where I see that with hardwork my dreams will eventually come true. So if I die of overload of homework, bury me in the periodicals!

A Dream For Tomorrow.

I think everyone has had those nights where sleep doesn't come until the wee hours of the morning and laying in bed with your thoughts isn't the companionship that you hoped for. The mental lists, the inner reflections, the regrets, even the triumphs, flood your mind like a broken pipe bursting with energy. But it's 3 am, how could my best ideas, most thought out plans, come at 3 am? You know they say, ideas in the middle of the night are never that good in the morning, and I tend to disagree. See, often in the night probably around 1:30 am or so, my thoughts turn into my dreams. Not dreams of far of places, or heroic events, but my life dreams. Dreams that are achievable but not yet attainable. Noble dreams of a career, family, what I want my house too look like, what the people in my life will look like and be like, where i'll live, what my new hobbies will be, oh how the possibilities are endless at 3 am. It's 2 am, and here I lay in my bed, computer on top of my knees, dreaming about tomorrow and the next day and the next day. For just a moment, a small second perhaps, my insecurities, fears and adulthood pain, leave for a moment and I drift off to sleep with a smile on my face.

Impacted

There are times in life where things really impact you and make a difference in your life. Times where you wish you could relive certain moments, times where something simple really makes you feel blessed and loved, and times where bad things impact your life by making you learn hard life lessons forcing you to see things in another light.
This last Thursday I was walking to work in the morning as I usually do, cutting through the parking lot of my apartment complex, when I noticed that my car had definitely been impacted by another car. It kind of shocked me at first and I just stood there starring, the right side of my car was pretty badly dented and impacted in pretty far and there is significant damage. There was no note on my windshield, no sign of the impact(er's) remorse, nothing to really make me feel better about the fact that someone just hit my car and then left me with the damage. I was never really angry about this, but I definitely felt a weight added to my shoulders and it just felt like one more thing added to my plate.
Later on that day I was walking home from class, thinking a lot about what had happened and thinking about how the other person who hit my car might feel; guilt, anxiety, remorse, frightened to come forward with the truth, etc. I was approaching the cross walk to get to the other side of the street, when a car suddenly struck a girl riding her bike in the crosswalk. The girl was significantly injured and the ambulance came and took her away immediately. It was right then and there that I felt so grateful for the dent in my car, and how it is only a dent (that suddenly got significantly smaller in my head). My car it's an object, a valuable thing none the less but a 'thing' all the same, it gets me around and is a huge blessing in my life but at the same time not worth hurting another person or myself. I am so thankful that nobody got hurt in my little hit and run and f0r the forgiveness that entered my heart that day. Truly it was just a small impact on my car that ended up having a huge impact on my heart.

A heros hero.

A couple of years ago, I got a call that has haunted me ever since I uttered the word; "hello". I can tell you exactly where I was, what I was wearing, and who I was with, it's strange how our memories won't let us forget scary moments in our lives. You just never really expect to get a phone call from your sister telling you that you're dad's been in a scuba diving accident and went to the hospital via ambulance. It straight up scared me, here's a man i've known my whole life, a strong, healthy dad in the hospital after almost drowning to death in the ocean, I was scared and emotional. It's been about 3.5 years since that's happened and i'm still not over it (even though my dad is) every time my dad gets in the water to go for a dive he knows the rule and has to call me right after he's gotten out to tell me how it went and so that I know he's still alive.
My dad and I wow, we've had our moments, rain and shine he's one of the two people in this world that knows me the best, probably better than I know myself. He calls my bs, loves me when i'm being ridiculous, gives me grocery money, supports me in my dreams and aspirations, and laughs with me when I tell him about the stupid things I do with my friends. I don't know what I'd do without him and his wisdom. He's not the biggest of men, not a man's man if you will, but hes a hero's hero and he's my hero. If you look at his track record it's pretty much amazing what the man's done with his life, supporting a family of 6 (and one dog RIP besitos), building a very successful business from the ground up, serve a mission in a foreign country, and remaining a very active member of the church are just a few of the amazing things that he has done to bless my life. I love you dad, thank you for everything that you do.

It came in the form of a box...

I've never had such a hard semester of school and through the hard times, long days, and endless nights of cramming, it's such a comfort to know that I have the support of my family. That although they all can't be with me through this trying time in my life, that they send their love from afar. I was so grateful for the package that my parents put together for me, it was like a survival kit from them, packed with all my favorite foods, a card, a new phone, but even more so jam packed with their love and support for me! It meant a lot to me, it still does; it's sitting on my desk as a reminder to me that in this life I'm not alone. In this big world it's so easy to get caught up on our own problems and trials but really it's about the little things that make a difference in our own lives and in the lives of others. So yes, Love came to me in the form of a box a beautiful package from my parents. Thank you Mom and Dad for your continuous support and love, you mean so much to me.

Domestication.

I've never been a really girlie girl. Or at least I never thought of myself as one. Sure I like clothes, and use make up and do like to shop, but I never really liked to bake, cook, or be very you know, WOMANLY and lately I've lost any interest in motherly or womanly duties. I haven't held a baby since Christmas when I saw my niece and nephew, my laundry pile is always piled high and 3 baskets full when I finally get around to doing it, my bed hardly ever gets made until right before I get in it at night, and meals if that's what you call them consist of whatever I can find or make within the 20 minute time frame that I have to eat it in.
This semester however I've made a goal to eat better, exercise more, and to not put sleep off. The beginning of the semester was more of a challenge living with 5 other girls and then being in Salt Lake almost every weekend. But these last two weeks, I've had 2 great dinners with friends and family (my brother Michael) it was so great to sit around a table with friends and enjoy a good, well balanced, home cooked meal. Last night I invited over my guy friends Jamie and Lynn (who both funny enough have unsex names and who we had a dinner club with last semester), my other guy friends Jake and Joe, and then two of roommates, for a great home cook meal I prepared all by myself (which I was very proud of!) We had a Pot Roast, Mashed potatoes, rolls, green bean casserole, salad, and cake for dessert. Jamie, Lynn, and Kelly (roommate from last semester) and I used to have a dinner group once a month, but since she's left we haven't had one in for awhile. It was great, the food was delicious and the company was great. Every Sunday sometimes I get a little homesick for family dinners and home cooked meals, so it was nice to be with good friends to enjoy a great meal! I felt so domesticated.

Reap the Rewards of Your Labors.

Hard work it really does pay off and it feels so good when you reap the rewards from it all. It's those times that make the late nights, all the sacrifices, and even the suffering worth it. Today I had an oral exam in my Communicable and Non Communicable Disease class. The exam consisted of memorizing over 39 diseases, their symptoms, and possible treatment plans, all communicated orally, one on one to the professor. I studied for days, hours, made flashcards, took notes, reviewed the lectures, read the book and come 12:10 today it felt like I had forgotten everything that I had studied for the past week, and as I sat on the cold linoleum floor outside my professor's office, my heart sank into my shoes. My confidence that I had had 30 minutes prior to making the long walk to his office seemed to be nonexistent and gone, but as soon as I got into that office and remembered that I had given it my best effort and preparation, I rocked it! In the end I scored 49/50 on the Oral exam and even better my professor said that I had scored the highest out of his two sections. I beamed. I'm grinning ear to ear as I write this. The hard work is really worth it. Not only did I learn that and see that today, I know that this applies to more than school, or an oral test that I'm not going to remember in years to come, but more importantly that hard work is a life long process in every aspect of life. With relationships, with work, with our Heavenly Father. When it comes to hard work, I'm going to keep at it. Work my butt off to make my dreams come true and one day I'm going to sit back and think about all the blessings I've received from my hard work and from my Heavenly Father. :) :) :)

Minus One.

Well, I'm back to the single life and my mom said; "THAT'S OKAY!" And as hard as it has been this last week or so, those two little words have helped me throughout this whole process. To keep a level mind, to think of the eternal perspective or the big picture and although I really feel true sorrow, honest to my core, I know that, THAT'S OKAY! The feelings of; loss, hurt, and real grief got to be so overbearing that I finally broke down and just sobbed and cried to my mom for a good amount of time over the phone, the whole time she was just so supportive and
loving of my decision and one of the hardest decisions I've had to make in a long time. And although the decision was necessary it still hurt a great deal, and was sad and scary. It's days and times like these that the little things are so important and eventually they really turn into the big things that keep us alive. An unexpected card from my sister who I'm sure sent it before she knew what happened but arrived with good timing, A sunny day, A diet coke from my roommate, a long talk with a good friend, and all the love and support that I've felt from all of those near and far. People say; 'It's not the end of the world!' but it was the end of that world that I shared with him and it was a hard end. I'm still not over it and have my moments of weakness still, but I know that That's okay. Now to just let time do its healing thing...

Mother May I...

This is one of my favorite pictures that I have of my parents and I. It's hanging above my bed and follows with me to every place that I move. It reminds me of the love that my parents and I have for each other and what it took for them to be mine and I to be there's.
My mom and I have a special relationship, she has become one of my best friends and I tell her everything and anything but it wasn't always like this though. There were the days of slamming doors, silent treatments, and much more that I put my mother through, but through it all my mom stood by my side and always had my back. Although I am not with her everyday anymore I know she is just a phone call away. She's always there for me to share my joys, to comfort me when I'm sad and to hold my hand through the good times and the bad. I love you mom very much.

"Plans change"

Change is one of my least favorite words and even more so one of my least favorite things to go through. At a young age I was taught by this phrase from my mother; "Plans Change!" and to this day that profound statement rings true (as she said it would). As I go through life and get older I realized it's the constant things in life that I can look towards and gain strength from to help through drastic changes and to adjust.
Things like; I'm always have my family. They are my rock, they have been so far and always will be there to support and love me and are on my team. The church is my foundation and the love I receive from Jesus Christ and my Heavenly Father helps me everyday to adjust and reform. Lately whenever I feel sad, discouraged, or lost I've been turning to conference talks past and present to lift me up and to help change my attitude. I was talking to Brian one day about how everything is changing and how I actually was scared, and unsure about gaining 5 new roommates how sad I was for my best friend to leave, he suggested that I read this talk from this last conference about; waiting to see the outcome and not jumping to conclusions and being patient with the Lord. (Isn't he great!?!) That talk particularly helped me to realize I need to be more patient with the Lord have more faith in the plan he has for me!
Life is always changing, that's really the story of mine so far. I've moved over 8 times in the last 4 years and on the way I have made and met so many different friends and people , was engaged and then suddenly unengaged, made mistakes then laughed about them later, dated tons, loved some, but most importantly I've gained memories and experiences which have defined my life and now looking back I ask myself; "How did I even get through that?" or "Oh my gosh how stupid!". Change for the better is the only change coming my way in the future.

Birds outside my window!

(Picture I took of all the bikes outside my apartment complex!)

After the chilling winds, -14 below temperatures, and freezing walks to campus...SPRING IS HERE! The sun shines, birds chirp, and people are happy again! No more wet pants, soaked boots, socks, gloves, hats or scarves! Hallelujah! Spring is here!

A Boy In Utah

Yes, the rumors are true.

There is a boy.

A boy in Utah.
A boy named Brian
It all started when
I MOVED AWAY
Two friends that turned into something more
Far away
Long distance relationship
3 hours back and forth
We make it work
Open communication
1000 texts, hours on the phone, long drives
Something new
Something good.
Heart Flutter
Happiness
Honesty
I learn something new everyday
A whole big future ahead of us!
Excitement
Curiosity
Hooray!

Roommate Review!

Haha I thought it'd be really fun to go back and look at all the past roommates that I've had and see where they are today!

Liz- Was my first roommate ever in the Dorms. She was great and the perfect first roommate to have. Currently I think shes on a mission in Germany.
Sara and Katy- Both cute girls I roomed with in the spring and summer semesters of the first year of college! They're both married now and unfortunately we haven't talked much after that.

Jalene- Next is Jalene who turned out to be one of my best friends throughout college and even now. Together we conquered our first 'off campus' apartment' and everything that entailed with that. We made so many memories and were so proud of our sad run down apartment that was constantly breaking down and had major problems, but it was ours and we did our best to make it our home away from home and to accommodate to it. We had so much fun together with constant trips to DI to decorate and lots of parties. I haven't seen Jalene for awhile 6 or more months, but we still keep in touch. She is currently engaged and getting married in July I am so happy for her and love her very much!Laurie and Lindsey- Living with Laurie was probably one of the biggest challenges of my life. Just because of the differences between personalities that we have. She is a great person and does so many good things for the world, but the personality clash was so different and we had different views on a lot of things. She is currently a family consumer science teacher and is still living in our old house.
Lindsey- is one another one of the roommates that you grow to love and become best friends with. She is amazing and has taught me so much, I've probably learned the most from Lindsey than any of my other roommates. She is kind and giving of herself and has taught me so many important things pertaining to life. I visit her often and see her as much as I can. We have plans to live together again when I am finished with school and on my breaks! I love her and talk to her everyday and miss her! She is currently working as a Registered Nurse in Salt Lake City, and was even nominated for LDS Hospital nurse of the year, I was so proud of her she is my hero. She is still living at our old house and is in the process of buying a house for the first time!Mariah and Kelly Jo- Mariah and Kelly Jo were those roommates that became such a huge blessing and made me aware that God really does love me and is aware of my life and puts the people that I need into my life at that particular time. When I moved to Rexburg I was homeless and friendless. I had left everything I knew back in Salt lake City, friends, family, all forms of familiarity, to come to BYU-Idaho for school and to further research and enrich my life. And these girls took me in with all my insecurities and my imperfections and were friends to me and loved me and shared their friends and life with me. For that I am so thankful for them and appreciate everything they have done and do for me! I am so sad that Kelly Jo is off track and that Mariah is moving to a house but I will always be so great full for them and love them.I'm so greatful for the many great people i've met and for the best roomies a girl could ask for and for the life long friends i've made!

A Little Slice...

Welcome to my new blog! A lot has changed, I've changed! Life is wonderful and full of rich blessings from my Heavenly Father. Here is where the puzzle pieces of the picture of my life fit together and where the story of my life becomes real. So this is me, exposed, raw, honest and ready for another day.